Finale

That poor organ! Poor, poor organ! Crushed under the stones!

So here is a recap of what happened:

Fr. Heidrich was just lowering the tiara the Borgias brought from Washington, D.C. onto Fr. Chad's head when the FBI arrived. The Borgias pulled out their concealed weapons, including 90 year-old Lucrezia in her wheelchair. Fr. Heidrich pulled out his Mauser from beneath his vestments and ducked behind the throne. Fr. Chad kept on telling everyone named Anathema to sit, but either no one was named Anathema or nobody heard him. Then there was this earthquake, and the walls of the chapel collapsed. The keystone swung violently directly above where Fr. Chad was. The rope suddenly snapped, and the stone hit Fr. Chad on the head. Thank goodness he was wearing that tiara, or he could've gotten hurt badly. Miraculously the tiara didn't even dent!

Fr. Chad is recovering in the hospital. He currently has amnesia, not remembering ever being the Pope or even a priest. He's actually been friendly towards the hospital chaplain, who likes both Latin and the Novus Ordo.

Fr. Heidrich suffered minor injuries and was extradited back to Germany on unknown charges.

Fr. Anderson was expelled from Iraq the very same day, after a historic act of parliament unanimously declared his approach to proselytism "violent extremism." His current whereabouts are unknown.

The tiara went back to D.C. with Agent Smith, who made sure its disappearance was kept secret.

As for me... Fr. Juno, is St. Albert the Great in need of an organist?

HABEMUS PAPAM!

The time is almost upon us, so we shall reveal what we have been told by divine revelation. The "Church" currently occupying the halls of Rome has forsaken Tradition and has taken to sail wherever the winds of Modernism takes her. This is most displeasing to the Lord, who has, in turn, deigned to start His Church anew here in Knoxville, TN.

To that end, I, Chadwick LeJanvier of the Society of Saint Leo I, have been appointed Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church. I shall be officially coronated, tiara and all, at tonight's Dedication Ceremony as Pope Leo XIV. But even before the coronation, we still hold all powers of the Pontifical Office, and thus a few orders of business:

• The "Novus Ordo," in all its forms, has been suppressed.
• Fr. Heidrich is appointed Grand Inquisitor of the Holy Office. He shall be made Cardinal at the next Consistory.
  
• The usage of modern appliances such as motorcars is a cause for grave sin.
• The following have been charged with formal heresy on diverse counts: Fr. Timothy Plarvik, Fr. Curt Kane, Maryann McGronk, Ché Lovell, Dr. Thomas Al-Fakkir, Todd Turk, H. Robert Williams, P. V. Rajendajendan, Dr. and Ms. Argot, Britnee Hamilton, and all others who have ever associated themselves with Spirit of Vatican 2 Parish.
• Spirit of Vatican 2 Parish will be closed and sold for scrap.
• Knoxville is hereby appointed an Archdiocese and St. Leo the Great a Cathedral-Basilica.
• The following Orders have been suppressed: the Gorbertines, the Society of Jesus, Opus Dei, the Canons Regular of St. John Cantius, the Personal Apostolic Administration of St. John Mary Vianney, the FSSP, the SSPX, and all such liberal orders.
  

Spy Wednesday

Agent Smith, I simply cannot accept the accusations you have given me against the Borgias. I will have to take you up on your offer of showing me the declassified documents on them to become totally convinced. The Borgias are a very pious Italian family who has made their fortune by expanding their meat-packing industry by harnessing the power of the interweb to procure seafood... at least that is how I understood it. They could not possibly be involved in organized crime!

If it is any consolation, I can tell you this much: the entire family plans to attend the Dedication tomorrow. They will be flying in from Washington, however, as that is the closest location, they have informed me, that they could retrieve a particular item that they wish to gift us.

Another Apparition

It no longer matters that I did not win the election. After my usual afternoon tea, having tried the leaves sent to me from Vincenzo, I went to pray before Our Lady of Knoxville (the miraculous image on the apple) . And Lo! A heavenly vision appeared before me! And I heard a loud voice speak to me saying, (in Latin, of course: the heavenly language, of which has been translated to the English here): "LeJanvier, thou art my servant. Do not fear the outcome of the Episcopal election. Democracy is an abhorrence to the Kingdom of God; an invention of the Freemasons, perennial enemies of the Church. To thee We hath deemed a much greater vocation."

What my new mission is, I cannot reveal until tomorrow's Dedication. However, I have informed the Borgias by electronic mail, who I need to complete the preparations.

Chapel Dedication

It is about time that we give an update on construction of St. Leo the Great Chapel. We have been interviewed by WVLT for some upcoming report of theirs. At first I thought is had to do with the imminent debate for the next Bishop of Knoxville, but it in fact was related to the topic of urban blight. The man seemed to have short-term memory problems, since he would frequently ask "What are you doing about the situation?" and I would reply, "Just look around you!" and he would respond "I know. What are you going to do about it?" I also assured him that we are members of the City of God, not the City of Man, and thus are not bound to secular building codes.


Here are some photos of our progress:

Next week we plan to install the keystone of the main arch, which brings me to our next announcement:

All are Cordially Invited to

SOLEMN HIGH MASS

in Commemoration of the Dedication of the Keystone of

SAINT LEO THE GREAT CHAPEL

Knoxville, TN

March 20, 2008

Go St. Mary's!

The SSLI and the SSPX may not agree on every issue, but in this one we are in solidarity:

Removal of woman referee by religious school has some crying foul

Hola from Mexico!

I received a shipment from our good friends the Borgias today. Besides the usual generous donation, there is a package containing some green tea. Vincenzo says to give this to his grandfather Donato, but certainly he won't miss a spot of tea or two...

Today's Commemoration

Today (14 February) is the Commemoration of St. Valentine, Martyr. It is NOT a celebration of rampant hedonism nor is it the Feast of Ss. Cyril and Methodius, which falls on 5 July [Leo XIII, Grande Munus].

From the Index Non Prohibitum

The "Catholic" Quo Vadis (whose interweblog is on the Index and therefore should NOT be read) hath tagged me with a même.

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).

It is entitled "I Am America (and so can you) by one of the last bastions of truthiness left in this nation, Stephen Colbert.

2. Open the book to page 123.

Bien sur.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

Je finis.

4. Post the next three sentences.

But my sheepskin announces to all assembled that though I may be a man of the people, I also have the keys to the clubhouse. I can't count the number of times I've heard the phrase, "You went to Dartmouth? I find that hard to believe." Admissions is an arbitrary and demoralizing process, and no matter how hard you work, the outcome is often determined by personal connections.

5. Tag five people.

Five is even more than showed up for Mass at our chapel last week, so I shall tag Fr. Heidrich and George.

-the Future Most Rev. Chadwick LeJanvier, SSLI, Bishop of Knoxville

Our Lady of Knoxville

Having examined the apple brought to me by George, I am officially declaring this an authentic apparition of Our Lady. Surely this portends God's blessings on our humble apostolate.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, a 72-hour MANDATORY period of fasting and prayer shall commence at midnight before the Image. Remember, all TRULY traditional Catholics must believe in the authenticity of this apparition DE FIDE, just like Fatima or Our Lady of the Roses.

A reliquary will be designed for this miraculous Image (pictured below) and will be promenently displayed in the soon-to-be completed chapel.

MIRACLE!

FR. CHAD! FR. CHAD! Just now I cut open an apple, but today I cut it sideways and found the seeds shaped like a star but even more than that there was an image of the Virgin Mary inside! I'll bring it over to the chapel at rehearsal.

Those who have walked in darkness....

Deo gratias! Finally we are able to pay our electricity and interweb bills. Money has been tight since the Borgias left us. They have gone on pilgrimage to Mexico for an undisclosed amount of time. They unfortunately left no contact information as they did not want Agent Smith to know their whereabouts for some odd reason.

Doctoresses

Bishop Williamson, SSPX has some poignant points to make about how erroneous it is for conciliar Rome to be giving the title "Doctor of the Church" to women. A contention he failed to mention is in the symbology of the biretta, implying the priestly authority of the Church being granted to them. Are we being primed for the introduction of "priestesses"?

Nota bene: the image below may offend SSLI members and benefactors!


Bishop Williamson's interweblog article may be found here. He has accordingly been added to the list of those who proclaim the truthiness of the Truly True Church.

I have been Tagged

1. Do you attend the Traditional Latin Mass or the Novus Ordo?

I attend the One, True Mass: a Traditional Latin Mass celebrated by the Society of Saint Leo I.

2. If you attend the TLM, how far do you drive to get there?

I live in the rectory immediately next to the church, so I walk. I don't even own a car, being made by the apostate scientists of the Modernist Age.

3. If you had to apply a Catholic label to yourself, what would it be?

A member of the One, Truly True Faith: the Society of Saint Leo I.

4. Are you a comment junkie?

That would be a grave sin of vanity. However, comments are very much welcome and appreciated.

5. Do you go back to read the comments on the blogs you’ve commented on?

Certainly. One wants to see the responses to one's messages, no?

6. Have you ever left an anonymous comment on another blog?

Moi? Certainly not!

7. Which blogroll would you most like to be on?

Though perhaps not traditional enough, I would be honored to appear on Archbishop Fellay's interweb links.

8. Which blog is the first one you check?

My nemesis, the interweblog of SOV2, but only to learn of what dastardly deed they are planning next that I may thwart it.

9. Have you met any other bloggers in person?

Only those who were at the Ecumenical Picnic last summer.

10. What are you reading?

Cornelius Otto Jansen, Augustinius

Bonus Question! Has your site been banned by Spirit of Vatican II?

This is true.

If it has, who do you think Father Tim really is?

I have known Fr. Plarvik for many years an I am not so sure he knows who he is himself.

Furthermore, Twisted Valley, the interwebsite that has tagged me with this même, has been deemed not traditional enough and is thus EXCOMMUNICATED from Truly True Church.

LIES!!! LIES I TELL YOU!!!

While patrolling the interweb for heresies, especially those spread by the perfidious Spirit of Vatican 2 Parish, I stumbled upon this interweblog, "Secrets of Spirit of Vatican 2" which claims that Spirit of Vatican 2 Parish does not really exist. As much as I wish that were true, it simply cannot be the case. How else did I go to seminary with Fr. Plarvik, or participate in their ecumenical picnic? But worst of all, THERE IS SOMEONE PRETENDING TO BE ME!

I asked George, who knows much more about the workings of the interweb than I, being familiar with the complex tubular system that comprises the organ which is similar to the interweb, and he had only one explanation: demons.

Yea, the very APE OF GOD is as we speak trying to destroy Christ's very own TRULY TRUE CHURCH with his LIES AND DECEITS! He has come so much as to the gate. Yet never may he prevail against our TRUTHINESS!

Therefore in light of this, Secrets of SOV2 has been banned, excommunicated, anathemized, and given a complete exorcism. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES MAY ANYONE VISIT SECRETS OF SOV2 LEST HE LOSE HIS IMMORTAL SOUL TO THE DEVIL!

Mea Culpa

I humbly apologize for not maintaining this interweblog as of late, but as they say, I have thirty-six things to do. In fact, I am writing this to you from a new-fangled iPhone as I am currently discussing with the designer the designs for the retable. Hopefully an update on the Chapel will be forthcoming.

Interweb back!

I apologise for yet another long absence. Apparently I grossly misjudged the price of travertine and had no money left in the coffers to pay for the interweb bill. Thanks once again for the generous donation from the Borgias to keep our humble apostolate running. You and your deceased loved ones shall be in my prayers now.

This Motu business has been causing even more trouble for us. Just yesterday some Neo-Caths wandered into our Sacred Tent/Construction Site, apparently attracted by our choir's magnificent performance of the Gloria. Unfortunately, the rabble-rousers caused quite a ruckus at coffee hour in the future Social Hall (currently located in the deep pit behind the Tent). They were terribly upset for they had mistaken us for the "indult mass" and insisted on going to a heretical Modernist "Mass" since ours "didn't fulfill Sunday Obligation". I also got quite irate as they insisted that the Pope was Catholic. Fortunately Lucrezia--bless her 90-year-old heart--can outrant even the most impudent self-righteous Neo-Cath and they soon fled from our Holy Place.

Long Time, No Interweblog

Well things have been busy here at the chapel. Construction is coming along nicely. The exorcism appeared to be more effective than I expected, but was unfortunately only temporary. The demons conjured by the witch, however, seem to have vanished permanently. I have sent George to investigate.

Following that, I went on a pilgrimage to Our Lady of the Roses Shrine in Bayside, NY. Quite a relaxing place, and I learned so much about the impending apocalypse.

Upon returning to Knoxville, I heard of a meeting of the heretical Knights of Columbus over in Nashiville. So Fr. Heidrich, George, and myself went with the Borgias in their SUV (I should remind you, Vincenzo, that you shouldn't be driving without a license plate). When we arrived, we saw Sir Feeney was already there proslytizing the heathens. Together we passed out flyers I had printed entitled "8,792 Heresies of the Concicular Church." At one point, one of these knights offended Sir Feeney's honor, and was challenged to a duel. Do not let your defeat bother you, Sir Feeney, your opponent was much your elder and thus more experienced.

The Power of Christ Compels You!!

Since Fr. Plarvik insists on not letting us perform an exorcism unless it denies the existence of the devil and "respects the deceiver-trickster archetypes of indigenous cultures" (did he learn that line from the late H Robert?), Fr. Heidrich and I will at some point perform a long-distance exorcism, similar to what Pope Pius XII did to Hitler. As one might recall, that did not go so smoothly, so we are giving advanced notice.

Further Announcements

Some announcements that failed to make the bulletin. In order to not emulate the Novus Ordo, I refuse to make announcements in the midst of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, but I've been so busy with the construction project I forgot to mention them here until now. Also, due to recent developments, I have some more to add.

Since our destruction of a city block downtown and subsequent celebration of the Eucharist in a tent on the construction site, curiosity in the SSLI has grown considerably. However, this has also attracted certain "undesirables". These persons do not come dressed in appropriate attire to stand before Our Lord. Anything short of a SUIT AND TIE for men and a MANTILLA AND DRESS for women is UNACCEPTABLE ATTIRE. Being an on-call nurse practitioner or being poor and homeless are NOT ACCEPTABLE EXCUSES. I will not tolerate our Chapel becoming a Novus Ordo circus.

Friday Bingo Night will now also include roulette and a craps table thanks to the generous help of the Borgia family. Proceeds will of course go towards the Renovation Fund (after a percentage asked to cover Vincenzo's operating expenses).

As some may have heard, certain charges against our own Sir Feeney have been levied. Having investigated the charges myself, I have confirmed that he is indeed an escaped mental patient but more importantly has received valid Orders. I therefore see no problem in keeping the Holy Knights of the Truly Traditional Church as an Order of the SSLI. A reminder that we only offer spiritual support and have no administrative ties to the organization (and thus we know nothing of Mr. Fawcett's disappearance).

Finally, St. Benedict medals are available in the vestibule (currently the large hole before you reach the tent) for a small fee of $2.99 for aid in the protection against evil, which the presence of witchcraft in our fair city has wrought upon us all.