HABEMUS PAPAM!

The time is almost upon us, so we shall reveal what we have been told by divine revelation. The "Church" currently occupying the halls of Rome has forsaken Tradition and has taken to sail wherever the winds of Modernism takes her. This is most displeasing to the Lord, who has, in turn, deigned to start His Church anew here in Knoxville, TN.

To that end, I, Chadwick LeJanvier of the Society of Saint Leo I, have been appointed Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church. I shall be officially coronated, tiara and all, at tonight's Dedication Ceremony as Pope Leo XIV. But even before the coronation, we still hold all powers of the Pontifical Office, and thus a few orders of business:

• The "Novus Ordo," in all its forms, has been suppressed.
• Fr. Heidrich is appointed Grand Inquisitor of the Holy Office. He shall be made Cardinal at the next Consistory.
  
• The usage of modern appliances such as motorcars is a cause for grave sin.
• The following have been charged with formal heresy on diverse counts: Fr. Timothy Plarvik, Fr. Curt Kane, Maryann McGronk, Ché Lovell, Dr. Thomas Al-Fakkir, Todd Turk, H. Robert Williams, P. V. Rajendajendan, Dr. and Ms. Argot, Britnee Hamilton, and all others who have ever associated themselves with Spirit of Vatican 2 Parish.
• Spirit of Vatican 2 Parish will be closed and sold for scrap.
• Knoxville is hereby appointed an Archdiocese and St. Leo the Great a Cathedral-Basilica.
• The following Orders have been suppressed: the Gorbertines, the Society of Jesus, Opus Dei, the Canons Regular of St. John Cantius, the Personal Apostolic Administration of St. John Mary Vianney, the FSSP, the SSPX, and all such liberal orders.