Finale

That poor organ! Poor, poor organ! Crushed under the stones!

So here is a recap of what happened:

Fr. Heidrich was just lowering the tiara the Borgias brought from Washington, D.C. onto Fr. Chad's head when the FBI arrived. The Borgias pulled out their concealed weapons, including 90 year-old Lucrezia in her wheelchair. Fr. Heidrich pulled out his Mauser from beneath his vestments and ducked behind the throne. Fr. Chad kept on telling everyone named Anathema to sit, but either no one was named Anathema or nobody heard him. Then there was this earthquake, and the walls of the chapel collapsed. The keystone swung violently directly above where Fr. Chad was. The rope suddenly snapped, and the stone hit Fr. Chad on the head. Thank goodness he was wearing that tiara, or he could've gotten hurt badly. Miraculously the tiara didn't even dent!

Fr. Chad is recovering in the hospital. He currently has amnesia, not remembering ever being the Pope or even a priest. He's actually been friendly towards the hospital chaplain, who likes both Latin and the Novus Ordo.

Fr. Heidrich suffered minor injuries and was extradited back to Germany on unknown charges.

Fr. Anderson was expelled from Iraq the very same day, after a historic act of parliament unanimously declared his approach to proselytism "violent extremism." His current whereabouts are unknown.

The tiara went back to D.C. with Agent Smith, who made sure its disappearance was kept secret.

As for me... Fr. Juno, is St. Albert the Great in need of an organist?

HABEMUS PAPAM!

The time is almost upon us, so we shall reveal what we have been told by divine revelation. The "Church" currently occupying the halls of Rome has forsaken Tradition and has taken to sail wherever the winds of Modernism takes her. This is most displeasing to the Lord, who has, in turn, deigned to start His Church anew here in Knoxville, TN.

To that end, I, Chadwick LeJanvier of the Society of Saint Leo I, have been appointed Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church. I shall be officially coronated, tiara and all, at tonight's Dedication Ceremony as Pope Leo XIV. But even before the coronation, we still hold all powers of the Pontifical Office, and thus a few orders of business:

• The "Novus Ordo," in all its forms, has been suppressed.
• Fr. Heidrich is appointed Grand Inquisitor of the Holy Office. He shall be made Cardinal at the next Consistory.
  
• The usage of modern appliances such as motorcars is a cause for grave sin.
• The following have been charged with formal heresy on diverse counts: Fr. Timothy Plarvik, Fr. Curt Kane, Maryann McGronk, Ché Lovell, Dr. Thomas Al-Fakkir, Todd Turk, H. Robert Williams, P. V. Rajendajendan, Dr. and Ms. Argot, Britnee Hamilton, and all others who have ever associated themselves with Spirit of Vatican 2 Parish.
• Spirit of Vatican 2 Parish will be closed and sold for scrap.
• Knoxville is hereby appointed an Archdiocese and St. Leo the Great a Cathedral-Basilica.
• The following Orders have been suppressed: the Gorbertines, the Society of Jesus, Opus Dei, the Canons Regular of St. John Cantius, the Personal Apostolic Administration of St. John Mary Vianney, the FSSP, the SSPX, and all such liberal orders.
  

Spy Wednesday

Agent Smith, I simply cannot accept the accusations you have given me against the Borgias. I will have to take you up on your offer of showing me the declassified documents on them to become totally convinced. The Borgias are a very pious Italian family who has made their fortune by expanding their meat-packing industry by harnessing the power of the interweb to procure seafood... at least that is how I understood it. They could not possibly be involved in organized crime!

If it is any consolation, I can tell you this much: the entire family plans to attend the Dedication tomorrow. They will be flying in from Washington, however, as that is the closest location, they have informed me, that they could retrieve a particular item that they wish to gift us.

Another Apparition

It no longer matters that I did not win the election. After my usual afternoon tea, having tried the leaves sent to me from Vincenzo, I went to pray before Our Lady of Knoxville (the miraculous image on the apple) . And Lo! A heavenly vision appeared before me! And I heard a loud voice speak to me saying, (in Latin, of course: the heavenly language, of which has been translated to the English here): "LeJanvier, thou art my servant. Do not fear the outcome of the Episcopal election. Democracy is an abhorrence to the Kingdom of God; an invention of the Freemasons, perennial enemies of the Church. To thee We hath deemed a much greater vocation."

What my new mission is, I cannot reveal until tomorrow's Dedication. However, I have informed the Borgias by electronic mail, who I need to complete the preparations.

Chapel Dedication

It is about time that we give an update on construction of St. Leo the Great Chapel. We have been interviewed by WVLT for some upcoming report of theirs. At first I thought is had to do with the imminent debate for the next Bishop of Knoxville, but it in fact was related to the topic of urban blight. The man seemed to have short-term memory problems, since he would frequently ask "What are you doing about the situation?" and I would reply, "Just look around you!" and he would respond "I know. What are you going to do about it?" I also assured him that we are members of the City of God, not the City of Man, and thus are not bound to secular building codes.


Here are some photos of our progress:

Next week we plan to install the keystone of the main arch, which brings me to our next announcement:

All are Cordially Invited to

SOLEMN HIGH MASS

in Commemoration of the Dedication of the Keystone of

SAINT LEO THE GREAT CHAPEL

Knoxville, TN

March 20, 2008

Go St. Mary's!

The SSLI and the SSPX may not agree on every issue, but in this one we are in solidarity:

Removal of woman referee by religious school has some crying foul

Hola from Mexico!

I received a shipment from our good friends the Borgias today. Besides the usual generous donation, there is a package containing some green tea. Vincenzo says to give this to his grandfather Donato, but certainly he won't miss a spot of tea or two...

Today's Commemoration

Today (14 February) is the Commemoration of St. Valentine, Martyr. It is NOT a celebration of rampant hedonism nor is it the Feast of Ss. Cyril and Methodius, which falls on 5 July [Leo XIII, Grande Munus].

From the Index Non Prohibitum

The "Catholic" Quo Vadis (whose interweblog is on the Index and therefore should NOT be read) hath tagged me with a même.

1. Pick up the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).

It is entitled "I Am America (and so can you) by one of the last bastions of truthiness left in this nation, Stephen Colbert.

2. Open the book to page 123.

Bien sur.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

Je finis.

4. Post the next three sentences.

But my sheepskin announces to all assembled that though I may be a man of the people, I also have the keys to the clubhouse. I can't count the number of times I've heard the phrase, "You went to Dartmouth? I find that hard to believe." Admissions is an arbitrary and demoralizing process, and no matter how hard you work, the outcome is often determined by personal connections.

5. Tag five people.

Five is even more than showed up for Mass at our chapel last week, so I shall tag Fr. Heidrich and George.

-the Future Most Rev. Chadwick LeJanvier, SSLI, Bishop of Knoxville

Our Lady of Knoxville

Having examined the apple brought to me by George, I am officially declaring this an authentic apparition of Our Lady. Surely this portends God's blessings on our humble apostolate.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, a 72-hour MANDATORY period of fasting and prayer shall commence at midnight before the Image. Remember, all TRULY traditional Catholics must believe in the authenticity of this apparition DE FIDE, just like Fatima or Our Lady of the Roses.

A reliquary will be designed for this miraculous Image (pictured below) and will be promenently displayed in the soon-to-be completed chapel.

MIRACLE!

FR. CHAD! FR. CHAD! Just now I cut open an apple, but today I cut it sideways and found the seeds shaped like a star but even more than that there was an image of the Virgin Mary inside! I'll bring it over to the chapel at rehearsal.

Those who have walked in darkness....

Deo gratias! Finally we are able to pay our electricity and interweb bills. Money has been tight since the Borgias left us. They have gone on pilgrimage to Mexico for an undisclosed amount of time. They unfortunately left no contact information as they did not want Agent Smith to know their whereabouts for some odd reason.